Friday, February 18, 2005

We are our buttocks. Or: It sure isn't Brezhnev's Pravda any more.

The phrenology of buttocks:

... A man with a nice muscular butt is considered to be strong, persistent and enduring in bed. A girl with a cute little round bottom is sexually active, albeit material and unkind.

Symmetrical wrinkles underneath the buttocks stand for reliable, steady and calm individuals, whereas asymmetrical wrinkles expose selfish and greedy people.

Those who have buttocks with so-called "ear-like bulges" on both sides are usually faithful people in love and marriage. Men and women with such buttocks are hopelessly mediocre individuals, though.

Girls with saggy square-shaped buttocks are very kind in their nature: they make very good wives and careful mothers.

Those people, whose left buttock is larger than the right one, have to contract marriage as early as possible - it is terribly unhealthy for them to stay single. On the other hand, the people, whose right buttock is larger than the left one, will have to face a lot of serious problems in their lives...

Hairy buttocks speak for very kind and agreeable people, although they also expose their genetic predisposition to illnesses of pelvic organs, first and foremost. One should also bear in mind the fact that parents who have hairy buttocks give birth to psychologically unbalanced, short-tempered children.

The combination of red hair on the head and black hair on the buttocks may occur for talented and highly emotional people. Grey bottom hair is a vestige of premature impotence for men, whereas red hair reveals their depraved nature...

Yes, that's the same Pravda that was the official organ of the Soviet Communist Party, though it seems to have undergone some editorial changes since I was a student over there reading it back during the golden age of Brezhnev. I don't remember that Pravda having such "fun reports".

They say Putin's taken over the press in Russia. Maybe so. But he's willing to share: Four photo spreads highlighted across the top page in today's Pravda were: Olympic Erotica, Maria Shapova, Sexy Stars, and Putin's Inauguration.

He's also willing to let them run an artcle on how he wears a $60,000 watch compared to George Bush's $50 Timex. (Although also mentioning Silvio Berlusconi's $540,000 Constantin Vacheron makes Vladimir seem rather proletarian by comparison.)

I looked up Izvestia for old time's sake and it's online too, but only in Russian. My foreign language skills, such as they were, are long gone, so I'm afraid there'll be nothing from there via me.